We are the Wildflowers

the kind life kids – Wilma Tarr

When I started living a vegan lifestyle around about this time last year, one of the first people to offer me support was Wilma Tarr. After I joined a few vegan groups on Facebook, Wilma added me as a friend, and I’m so glad she did! Being connected to someone so cool and so knowledgable about living vegan was, and still is, really comforting. She is so lovely that sunbeams literally beam from her face! (Roald Dahl must have had you in mind when he wrote that, Wilma). Wilma is part of the SA Vegan Society and has her own Vegan Facebook page where she shares her fabulous recipes and is always on hand to answer any of your vegan-related questions. Like her, add her, follow her on Instgram, read the interview below and be prepared to be inspired by this beautiful mom of two (!) teenage boys.

Tell us about your vegan journey – how and why did you become vegan?

Ever since I can remember I have been in love with animals. Growing up with siblings much older than me, these creatures, big and small, became my friends and companions. I have always felt that they are the ones who need our protection, not because they have ‘rights’ or ‘power’, but because (sadly) they don’t.

I was also very fortunate to be raised by a vegetarian mother, who not only created awareness with her diet and healthy lifestyle, but also her kindness and compassion towards not only people, but also animals. She took in countless stray animals, cared for the injured and, of course, this spilled over into all aspects of our lives. She instilled a deep love and respect for nature, and life, in me. The idea of nonviolence – of causing no harm (ahimsa) – is not a new idea. Veganism is simply an extension of this principle.

I had been vegetarian in my twenties, but started eating fish and chicken after my second pregnancy. This was based on advice from my gynecologist in order to put on more weight whilst breastfeeding. Looking back, this was, of course, not necessary, as I could have adjusted my diet accordingly, but at the time I did what I thought was best for my little one and myself. Fortunately, this didn’t last long and I went back to my vegetarian lifestyle a couple of years later.

In 2011, I saw very graphic images of the way animals are treated before they end up on our plates. These images haunted me and led to my decision to go vegan. My youngest son and I, together with my sister and niece, often discussed the issues and horrific cruelty involved in the slaughtering of animals – as well as the cruelty of the egg and dairy industries – and as a result, we all went vegan. I honestly think that there is so much more awareness around the way animals are treated because of social media! Documentaries such as ‘Earthlings’, ‘Cowspiracy’, ‘Forks over Knives’ and ‘Vegucated’ provide all the information and facts as well.

I have always believed that our day-to-day lives should reflect our passions and skills. I wake up in the morning and all I want to do is create more awareness, more compassion. It is on my to-do list every day! For this reason I accepted an invitation to contribute to the The South African Vegan Society’s Facebook page, as well as Vegan Parenting in South Africa’s Facebook page. As a self-taught cook, keen photographer and mother of two boys, I have always loved expressing myself in a creative way, not just through cooking but also through styling, writing and photography. I recently created a Facebook page dedicated to our vegan meals and our lifestyle where I share these ideas with people – not only for them to enjoy but also for them to share and cultivate their own plant-based culinary repertoire.
How have you learnt to cope with some of the negativity associated with being vegan?

If you’re vegan, chances are you have strong ethical beliefs. This can expose other people’s insecurities and their ugly sides. I avoid preaching this lifestyle to those not living it. I have found that if someone is interested, she/he will ask me questions. It all comes back to leading by example. Also, you need to accept that some people might not fit into your life anymore. Wish them well and let them out of your life. Know that if you are vegan, life is bound to lead you to other likeminded people – I have formed the most beautiful friendships with other vegans through social media and vegan meet-ups.

Honestly, being a vegan today is easier than it was being a vegetarian twenty years ago. For instance, it has become so much easier to find vegan products because of a greater awareness of food allergies and the selection of non-dairy, plant-based and egg-free alternatives are on the rise. Veganism has also become very trendy as more and more people are experiencing the benefits of a plant-based diet. Many of the strongest athletes swear by their plant-based diets and vegan celebrities including Ellen DeGeneres, Ellie Goulding, Joaquin Phoenix and Natalie Portman have made veganism more mainstream. As a result, many vegan-friendly restaurants and eateries are opening up. It has also become so much easier to veganise dishes on a menu and even though I’ve had a few dreary meals, most fine dining restaurants are more than happy to accommodate my dietary requirements especially if you inform them well in advance.

Most importantly though –

Never, EVER feel embarrassed or left out because you’ve chosen this lifestyle. Remember that you are part of a fast-growing group of people who are dedicated to making this a better world. Compassion, kindness and conscious living are nothing to be shy about. Own your lifestyle and be proud!
Walk us through your day – what do you eat on a normal working day?

Every meal in my home is a creative expression of my love for food! I don’t plan meals but I make sure I have the basics in the pantry and fridge. This includes mostly legumes, grains, fresh fruit and veggies and a few mock-meats or meat substitutes (generally soy or seitan based).

This is partly why I created my vegan page on Facebook – it is a photographic record of vegan dishes and meal ideas. You only have to transform the basics by adding some delicious and healthy components to your everyday meals.
You’re a vegan family. Have you had any criticism or objections by others to raising your children without animal products? How do you deal with these comments (if they are received)?

Even though our household is completely vegan (which means there are no animal products or products that have been tested on animals used or eaten in our home) not everyone in my family is vegan – my husband is pescatarian and my eldest son is vegan at home.

I personally have never been critisised about our vegan lifestyle, but I know many people experience negativity around this. I think ultimately people become aggressive when they feel threatened by someone else’s convictions. I find that approaching this subject with a sense of humor helps. If you keep it light, they relax and sometimes ask questions, they tend to really listen and aren’t so defensive. Taking a vegan dish or two along to a social outing also helps; this way you and your family avoid missing out on a good meal, and at the same time you can prove that your diet doesn’t consist of lettuce and carrots only.
What is your favourite thing about being vegan?

I would like to emphasise the positiveness that flows from the decision to eat a plant-based diet – yes, positives for your health but more importantly for your mind and spirit. Positives in terms of feeding the world and keeping the earth from deeper peril, saving precious natural resources and deepening our sense of kinship with life.

There is no downside to a vegan diet. It can help you lose weight, heal you body from disease and make the world a more peaceful place. Veganism is a soft, gentle approach to life, our bodies and to our Earth. It’s a step in the direction of the kind of person that you would like to be, taking action on what you’ve learnt. It is simply the act of not participating in something that feels wrong. All too often eating a plant-based diet can seem synonymous with self-deprivation, but veganism is evolving and in constant flux – vegan food is getting better and we are better people for it. There is something so special about sitting down to a meal where no animals were harmed for the sake of our pleasure. It feels so good to know that by following this diet we are bigger than our habits and that these habits will ripple out in their effects, just like mine has. My only regret is that I didn’t go vegan sooner.
All images property of Wilma Tarr.

tragedy, love, ahimsa and other midweek thoughts

Is anyone else battling to concentrate on one thing after the last few days? Between all the bombings and the burnings and striking and plane crashes I’m about ready to throw away all electronic devices and move into the nearest cave. (oh, who am I kidding, where would I plug my hairdryer?)

A couple of influencers have been reflecting lately on the death of social media, and I for one have been thinking of moving my everyday work away from it to something less… noisy. I do love social media and I think it’s a fabulous way to spread important information and great ideas, but it can also be a dark and scary rabbit hole of negativity, sarcasm, jealousy and nastiness. Do I really want to know everyone’s opinion on the fact that Woolworths screwed up one of their Christmas store displays? Not really. Social media has become the public square of the global village and it sometimes seems that we all are part of the vicious mob, greedily awaiting to see who next will be pulled up to the gallows.

I’ve been spending a lot of time cooking and washing dishes. Our dishwasher has not been connected since the move and I’m starting to think that maybe I won’t be connecting it. There’s a strange peace I find in getting my hands wet and soapy (very hard to check a phone whilst hands are covered in slippery suds) and zoning in on this one simple task for half an hour three times a day. My new little kitchen is tiny, so I dry all the pots and pans and plates and cups and knives and forks before putting them away to enable maximum surface space. I’ve stopped thinking of this task as a waste of time; as something that needs to be done as quickly as possible before getting back to my laptop/phone. I’ve started relishing the meditative process that happens as my mind and body work together towards a common goal.

It was whilst I was washing the dishes this weekend that something suddenly became so very simple to me – an explanation in my own heart as to why everything is happening the way it is in the world right now. Perhaps one might think it’s a super idealist take on the events occurring around us at the moment, but for me, it is one that I can be at peace with.

What happened this weekend in places all over the world was heartbreaking and traumatising. I am very saddened by these events and I do feel so deeply for the families and friends left behind.

But was it “an attack on humanity”?…. I don’t think so.

Am I surprised by it?…. Not really.

Every single day “humanity” attacks, breeds, kills and serves up the bodies of millions of other conscious beings for breakfast, lunch and supper. Four times a day, humanity eats the muscles, tendons, bones, fear and adrenaline of bodies that once bled, breathed, gave birth, lactated and walked on earth alongside us. If we killed the same amount of humans as we kill animals every day, we would be extinct within a month. That is a lot of killing we’re currently doing; a lot of hearts stopping, a lot of lungs breathing their last breath, a lot of lives lost. There is blood on all of our hands, no matter how innocent we believe ourselves to be.

I am in no way downplaying the events of the past few days. I know many people who believe that the death of an animal is not as important as the death of a human being. That we’re somehow better than them, just because we have mastered a certain kind of communication amongst ourselves and have opposable thumbs. Certain humans also used to (and some still do) think that they were better than other humans, better than women, jews, black people, indian people, the list goes on. We even believe that certain species of animals are better than others. I feel that we all need to remember this now; we need to remember that human beings are not the most special, or the brightest, nor the most loving of creatures. We do, however, all have the choice to be compassionate every single day. We know what love is, what kindness is, what hurt and what pain is. We recognise it in human eyes and in animal eyes. And yes, when we work together in love and in peace, great things can happen. We can be kind, but generally… we choose not to be. Our egos get in the way, we think we’re better than other people, other races, other religions, we believe we’re better than other species. We forget that we are all one part of a bigger picture. As soon as big tragic news like this breaks, we all move straight into a grieving role we find comfortable – whether it be that of victim, oppressor, or sympathiser. I have watched some call for war, some call for unification, some call for justice, some call for prayer. I took a step back and took note of the role I immediately felt comfortable in.

If I think about it too much, I want to weep at its complexity… but through it all I see one very strand of simplicity.

and that strand is kindness.

We cannot be preaching about injustice and violence and peace and love and asking ourselves what’s happened to the world, when we’re serving up the dead bodies of murdered beings to ourselves and our children every single day. How can we tolerate and love each other as human beings when we cannot even look after the innocents of the earth, or indeed, the earth herself? Perhaps you think kindness is too simple a solution. Perhaps you think it not the answer. The principle of ahimsa, which means “no injury” in ancient Sanskrit is one I find beautiful and it brings me comfort and peace in times like these. Stepping away from the madness of the moment, I can stop taking everything so personally and I can reflect on one simple truth:

we are reaping what we have sown…

but we don’t have to sow things this way anymore.

Turn off your tv. Put away your phone. Be nice to other people. The cashier is a human like you – she is you. Smile at her – ask her how her day is going. If service is slow, don’t head straight to twitter to moan. Check your ego before shouting at someone; just because you are a paying customer, does not always mean that you’re right and it certainly doesn’t mean you have the right to treat people unkindly. Respect other’s lives, respect their history, respect their hurt. Crush their pain with your love.

We are all each other.

Be kind to animals. And by being kind to animals, I mean stop killing and eating them. Don’t let violence in your front door. Don’t put it in your shopping cart. Don’t entertain it in your sitting room or welcome it onto your plate.
Read a book. A book about another religion, about animals, about the environment, about something different to your daily life and your own ideals. Open your mind. Watch a documentary. Take a different route to work. Get lost just because you can. Visit an animal sanctuary. Grow plants and spend time watering them. Make something with your hands; hold hands. Wash the dishes. Be still. Practise being un-offendable. And laugh – laugh hard and whenever you can.

Being kind is not always easy… but perhaps it’s about time for us to start being brave.

demons

some days she watches the ocean
and it is all Shimmering sunlit diamonds and
sunset cocktails and
she sells sea shells on the seashore

And then other days it’s monstrous violence
deep dark indescribable depths
and Deaths
stinging sand and sticky jellyfish and
lost at sea

to love them both is beautiful
but to fear them
she knows
is necessary.

revelation

I return to the place of my birth the long way round, cocooned in the belly of a warm travelling snake. Baptised by fire, bathed in the cool geography of our beloved country, I arrive sweating and with a temperature. It is seeping out of my pores, the history of both centuries and recent days churning together in my veins, under my skin, sticky and pregnant with nothingness. I need to sleep. I need to rest. I have stopped; returned to the beginning. Nestling into the breast of my heritage, i am hugged tight. i am healed.

in the silence, i can think. i dig deeper into the quiet and soon even the birdsong stings my ears. there is revelation here. i lap it up; savour it; cut it into intricate designs and hang it from the rafters for reference. i need to remember this.

how quick things become strange to the touch. how quick memories fade, their sides crinkling up yellow. the stolen orchid is blooming. the air is heavy. this place is mine but i do not belong here. i can’t breathe deep. as hard as i try to avoid making eye contact, they seek me out and they stare me down. these beasts i can not help. not right now. i am trying my best, i cry. why won’t they listen?

why won’t they see

he kisses my eyelids open. you are here, he whispers. you are here.

the kind life kids – jody calitz

Gone are the days when vegans were hessian-bag-donning weirdos. As the entire world becomes more and more aware of the inherent cruelty and the dangerous health and environmental implications behind meat and dairy consumption, more and more people are choosing to live a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle. Unfortunately, for a lot of us in South Africa, where things are a little slower, communities of vegans in real life are still rare and being vegan can sometimes be lonely. But thank goodness for the joys of social media and the ability to make communities and tribes of our own! In this new series I’m going to be interviewing a number of South African vegans to demonstrate how plant-based peeps are just as normal as the next person, to give support and comfort to fellow SA vegans and, of course, to simply share common stories and personal vegan journeys… because let’s not kid ourselves – we all love reading a personal story, especially when it is one involving emotions and food!

I first heard about Jody from my mom who had come across her Beach Body workout plans on instagram. I was so excited to find a successful vegan fitness athlete promoting compassion, health and strength (and looking absolutely amazing whilst doing all of it) living in South Africa! The SA vegan community is small but growing in numbers by the day, and so it was inevitable that Jody and I would meet eventually. And I’m so glad we did! Jody is so natural and lovely and we immediately hit it off – it’s hard not to when you have so much in common; we both went vegan at the beginning of the year, we’ve both just turned thirty and we both love fitness, food and yoga! Although she initially started out studying accountancy, life had other plans for this little dynamo – health and wellness is her day job and she spends her days training, counselling and teaching people to take better care of themselves – both physically and mentally. Jody is so inspiring and to put it mildly – her body is rocking. ROCKING. Every inch of her is toned and tight and she says that because of her plant-based diet, she barely has to change the way she eats before competitions! How’s that for karmic reward? Tell us about your vegan journey – how and why did you become vegan?

It was a combination of things and my journey kind of progressed in stages. I had been a vegetarian and then a vegan in my teens, but I had converted back to conventional eating due to social circumstances, social pressure and becoming disconnected with my true self. Fast forward to June 2013 and things changed. I can’t quite describe it, but it was a feeling inside. Physically, I was exhausted, and mentally and emotionally, I was completely drained. My body was showing signs of acidity and toxicity and I felt that I needed a change. I had been competing as a Bikini Athlete in bodybuilding for three years and as much as I loved the sport, I wasn’t functioning well on the typical “stage-prep” diet, which consisted mainly of chicken, tuna, broccoli, whey shakes and cottage cheese. I was struggling to keep up and hated everything about it. I wanted to be something more and didn’t believe that this was the “only way” to compete, or to live, for that matter! So I decided to prepare for the 2013 Mr & Miss Fitness on a vegan meal plan. After that show I just felt so good, that it all progressed from there.

What is your favourite thing about being vegan?

I have a deep passion for animals and the environment which has given me more motivation for being vegan… it is the emotional reason why I am a Veggie Babe. Living a vegan lifestyle has a much smaller carbon foot print on the planet and requires no negative and cruel actions by humans to animals through slaughter and inhumane farming. So I like to think that being vegan is my little contribution to saving the planet and not supporting animal cruelty. I believe we all have the power to make a change, to make a contribution and to be the change we want to see, no matter how small!

How have you learnt to cope with some of the negativity associated with being vegan?

I stopped being a vegan the first time due to social pressure and not being completely confident with who I was. Maybe now that I am older and honestly don’t give a shit what people think, I have way more confidence and self assurity to handle negative things thrown my way. Yes, some comments and posts do annoy me, especially in the Fitness industry, but then again I have amazing health and vitality to show that what I do works….and as they always say, actions speak louder than words!

Walk us through your day – what do you eat on a normal working day?

Green tea first thing when I wake up – not just because of the amazing benefits but also because of the natural caffeine kick and the great cleansed feeling I get from it.
5:30am: Get to work and train my first 2 clients
8am: I have my own personal Vegan shake (bunch of stuff I mix up…..coming to market soon – stay posted) and a banana (or any other fruit that is in season). After which, I see more clients… and have another banana.
I then train myself mid morning from about 10:30-11:30am, but only for about an hour – anything more than that and I am wasting my time.
I have a green juice straight after shower. I LOVE GREEN JUICE! Hashtag juiceeverydamnday. I swear by it – for all areas of well being. If there is one thing I can recommend, it is to start green juicing.
Around 2pm I have my favourite meal (which you will often see on my instagram account) of grilled tomato, grilled banana (I eat a lot of bananas!), spinach and sprouts on rye toast with avocado if it is in season.
In the late afternoon I’ll have more green juice, some nuts, fresh fruit or coconut….. whatever I feel like. Sometimes nothing if I am not hungry.
Dinner is normally oven roasted veggies, a stir fry, wraps or a cashew & bean curry.

You’re a vegan athlete and WBFF Pro Athlete. How do you deal with comments that you can’t get a body like yours without animal proteins and animal-product based supplements?

I know out of experience that it’s all about patience, commitment, dedication and taking care of your health, first and foremost. Most people now days aren’t prepared to do that and suffer from the “I want it NOW” syndrome. Our bodies are not cellphones with instant messaging and they are not something you can “upgrade” or replace. You most definitely can get an amazing body on a vegan diet, but it doesn’t happen over night. My industry is saturated by individuals who use illegal substances, growth hormones and artificial supplements like fat burners. It is made out as it if it is the only way to get a great body, AND IT’S NOT! I always say there is a price to pay later… you just don’t see it now.

What’s your advice to anyone interested in becoming vegan?

My advice is to start slowly. Make the change by committing to 2 vegan days per week, 2 vegetarian days per week and keep the rest as your current regular diet. After a while your body will tell you when to change and it will happen naturally. Also if you are not sure how to go about it, invest in a proper Vegan/vegetarian eating plan so that you know what to eat and have variety in your diet.

“Your actions today will impact your body & environment tomorrow” – Jody C The VEGGIE Babe.

If you’d like to find out more about Jody’s workout guide and vegan and vegetarian meal plans, visit her site by clicking here: https://www.jodycalitz.com/

You can also follow her on Instagram (@jodyc_myveganlife), Twitter (@JodyCalitz) and Facebook.

this is what i felt

i wrote this on friday night, after attending the fees must fall student marches in stellenbosch and drinking the better half of a bottle of wine to myself. i found it on my desktop this morning and after reading it again, decided to publish.

i am a thirty year old South African female. this is my truth.

i grew up thanking my lucky stars i wasn’t born black.

i remember following my nanny around her tiny house on the farm and even at the tender age of four or five, I remember being so thankful that i lived in a better, cleaner home than hers. i didn’t even think about the fact that she was so busy cleaning our house, she didn’t have much time left to clean her own. i cringe to say this now, but during the 1994 elections i was just excited to get a week off from school; i did not fully understand the implications involved behind the fact that i now had black kids in my class. i grew up believing that i was different. a better different, i’m sorry to say. that’s how racism works. i know this now.

i went to UKZN and then to Rhodes. i was a part of a march at Rhodes organised by my friend Felicity – a march against ZANU PF and Mugabe. At that stage our country was still okay; Mugabe was the evil one. Our comrades were our neighbours, not our fellow citizens.

Almost ten years later, I joined a march today in my own country – in a university town i now call home. I joined a march asking for the university fees to not increase; for the fees to fall. but it was so much more than that.

this is what i saw.

i saw young people, both black and white, marching against the rules. marching against authority, marching against tyranny. marching against the elite. marching against the should be.
i felt proud.

i was scared.

i was alone.

i expected violence. i had the important phone numbers written on my wrist in pen. i had sunscreen and water. i had my ID book. i hung around on the sidelines. i took photos and videos. i did not know the words to the struggle songs. i did not feel threatened. for once, i felt a part of something amazing. there was no violence. high discipline, high morale.

my heart swelled with pride.

we marched past the nay-sayers; past laughing and insulting students (both black and white) who would not join in. some of them were drinking wine already (it was friday afternoon, after all) and some of them put down whatever it was that they were doing and joined in on the walk. my heart swelled even more.

i partook in the disruption of the engineering department. i watched fellow marchers running up flights of stairs, interrupting classes. i didn’t feel bad for those disrupted students. i felt sad that they were not joining in. i felt sad for those who felt that this whole thing was a bad idea. i felt sad that they were not seeing the bigger picture

i felt wistful. i might even have felt envious. they are so brave, these youths of ours.

for someone who has been questioning living a life in this country and raising children in this country, i finally felt secure. i felt like maybe we had this. i felt so very, very proud.

i have been a part of many a braai and many a dinner party and many a whatsapp group where the future of our country has been questioned. i have been a part of many of these conversations. “this country is going to shit.” i have said that. i have thought that. i have wanted to escape to somewhere safer, somewhere cleaner, somewhere where no one draws out of the lines.

today i saw that we could make that place here.

i saw strength. i saw love. i saw peace. i saw unity. i saw black and white, hugging, kissing, talking, raising fists in solidarity. i heard singing and sighs and under-breath arguments. but most of all i saw hope. in every young face and laugh and fist pump and giggle, i saw people working hard for the greater good of this country.

perhaps we need a new president. perhaps we need a a new ruling party. perhaps we need a complete overhaul. all i know is that today i saw people willing to sacrifice their education, their lives, their dreams… for something bigger than themselves.

i saw energy, i saw passion. i saw love. i saw discipline, i saw hard work. i saw dreams, i saw anger. i saw disappointment.

the point is… i saw feeling.

and feeling is so much more than just existing.

we haven’t been feeling anything real and true in this country for a long time.

no longer will we be quiet. no longer will be accepting. no longer will be meek.

the kids have got this.

born free or not, there is a greater awareness, a greater consciousness, a greater understanding in the way this nation needs to go forward.

will we listen to our youth? will we put aside our fears of anarchy and change? will we put aside our comfortable lives right NOW for the chance for our children to live in a true rainbow nation where white and black is no longer an issue, but where the rights of the haves and the have-nots are pushed to the fore for the greater good of us all?

i want the children of today and tomorrow to be born into a nation where escape isn’t the first option. I want them to know that they are safe; that they are wanted; that they are valued. That they are here to make a life for themselves, in this country, supported, in the best way they can. i want these kids to be able to march for big issues, not for the right for education. education should be a given. i want their marches to be about fracking and environmentalism. i want them to join the first world conversation; the conversation about saving our planet, not just our country. i want them to join the ranks of world leaders and do-ers. i don’t want them to grow up thinking, ‘thank god i was born white.” or “i wish i was born rich”. I want them to grow up thinking, “thank god i was born with two working legs, seeing eyes, a clever brain and a strong voice.”

Will this happen?

i hope so.

I’m not a politician. i have no fancy rhetoric.

i am just me. this is what i felt.

coffee shop romance

people in and out. out and about. bustling, eating, humming, dreaming, fucking, keeping secrets. a decaf latte. are you serious? she wears that same khaki blazer again. The sensible one. it makes her look like a box, but he doesn’t tell her this. he has one hour to convince her. he will, he knows it. she needs to come Home with him. His story, her story, their story together develops as they sit there. Is this real? Will she do it? he needs to feel alive again. the longer she is away from him, the higher he floats away. it’s different to drowning, floating. drowning is dying. drowning is escaping. floating is a nothingness far worse than death. he needs to feel her. he needs to smell her sweat. her fear. will she scream?

he hopes so.

it’s the afterwards he craves the most. the sigh. the sleepiness. the anticipation. the regret. he knows there will be regret. there always is with her. she is the kind to blame herself and not him. his favourite kind. he can sense the phone call already; the worry, the tests. sometimes there are even police. and then it’s time to move on. she hasn’t called the police yet. his foot is still in the door. he wonders if she’ll be screamer; a do-gooder or a tell-tale.

“let’s get you out of that blazer,” he smiles.

the unfurling

we sleep with the ceiling fan on for the first time. i love it. it feels like childhood summer holidays at the beach and i grow nostalgic for a time where everything is easy and being in love is being in love. i fling off my clothes and lie naked and free and acknowledge my winter-forgotten body with love and tenderness. there are those freckles, and that birthmark and that funny bump. there are the blue veins under translucent skin; the scar that i’d rather forget; another season has aged my limbs; the soft fleshy reminder of my existence holds deeper lines and darker spots.

i am not soul, nor mind, nor thinking writer.

in this moment i am blood and bones and beating heart and i am comfortingly mortal. i am animal. as the buds open and hungrily thirst for the unrelenting rain, so i unfurl my legs and arms and take you into me. you are mine and i am yours and we are everything and we are nothing.

but i am the writer

i sit at a coffee shop to escape the noise but it is louder here. the coffee is not good. i miss you. i take myself out on a date. i bring my book; ambitiously shovel a large forkful of my too-hot meal into my mouth and then have to spit it out into a napkin. everyone’s eyes on me. tears prick at the back of mine. i drop my chopsticks. where did this clumsiness come from? there is a man sitting by himself too, staring at me behind dark sunglasses. i feel naked. i sink further down into my seat, book straight up to my nose, a constant dreamy barrier between myself and real life. always has been, always will be. i imagine other people watching me. do i look happy? confident? scared? clever? sad? i imagine how another writer, obviously someone deeply in love with me, would describe how i look, sitting here, alone and escaping the world by immersing myself in the midst of it.

monday mourning

today is not going so well. there was no yoga or a long walk; no daily planner and no green juice. mama left. the house is upside down and i have a list of things for work i need to tick off, but my notepad is hidden under pieces of scrap paper, a dirty dinner plate and countless empty coffee cups. my mama left. did i say that already?