This morning the new moon peaked in Scorpio and my child managed to sleep in past 6am – a rare occurrence in the Bainborough household. I took this little window of blessed opportunity to journal and set out some new moon intentions for the coming lunar cycle. Scorpio is all about delving into our shadowy depths and getting down and dirty with the icky stuff about ourselves that we don’t usually like to address. Shadow work is something I like to think I’m all cool with it. SHOW! ME! THE! DAAAARK! I’m not afraid of a little weighing up of the weaknesses and flaws of my character. After all, everything unsavoury can be blamed on our parents, right? (Lol. Can’t wait for Immy to start therapy.)
This year has been amazing in so many ways – I’ve done some things I never thought would be possible. I’m the strongest I’ve ever been, mentally. It’s been tough. Well, it’s been a hard(er) life since having Imogen, in many ways. But I truly believe the shitty times and difficult situations have all happened to push me to a greater place of growth and learning. I needed to have time taken away from me to push me to work harder and smarter. I needed financial stress to push me to bite the bullet and acknowledge my blocks and traumas around money and self worth. I needed silence to realise how much I miss communicating.
I know I am here to share. I just need to get okay with the truth that not every share needs to be perfect. Last year, I started my podcast and I revelled in the beautiful messiness of a new, fun medium of sharing and communicating with others. Over the last few months, I’ve got cold feet. I’m sitting here now with about five interviews recorded and ready to edit – and I’m just scared stiff that the quality is not good enough. Truthfully… it’s probably not. I don’t have a microphone. All my interviews are done on the phone. Dogs bark in the background. I cringe at the sound of my own voice. But it’s real. It’s life. It’s messy. It’s not perfect. And neither am I.
Not sharing, not communicating keeps me safe. No one can challenge me, no one can argue with me, no one can unfollow me and no one call me out. If I don’t express myself, I can remain eternally right in my head. And god knows, as an Aquarian 5/1 Profile, I love to believe I’m right. So this is my challenge for the next lunar cycle: to write. to speak. to give myself permission to feel uncomfortable. To get a little creative again. To enjoy the process. To just sit and type. Word by word. Sentence by sentence. And, hilariously, as I write this, I’ve just received a notification from this crazy app I have called The Pattern, and I feel taht I should share the message, because I think many of you may need to read it too:
For the next month, you’re being encouraged to reclaim your creativity and passion. It’s possible that you – or others around you – have temporarily lost or forgotten what makes you feel alive. Right now is a great time to tap into your feelings and connect with others.
I mean. Hello! Yes. YES. My energy healer, Colleen, has been actively encouraging me to come out of cave for most of this year. This past week she has been sending me distant healing, along with tidbits of emoji-illustrated wisdom (best messages ever!). This one in particular, jolted me: Sometimes we make a home in a shell, thinking it’s safe and secure. Along comes lightening, fire, floods and snow storms, and we are no longer safe. False security is meant to teach us, to trust in ourselves, our strength, our path.
I always draw angel cards when I journal. This morning, I pulled one card, and then another literally jumped out of the pack and into my hands. The one I pulled was “Guardian Angel” which reassured me that no matter what I do or say, the universe and my guardian angels will always support me. The card that jumped out at me was “Signs”, which encouraged me to look out for signs in my every day life as my angels and ancestors are wanting to communicate with me. Overwhelmingly, I have felt over the last few days that there are underlying messages coming out at me from all areas, and all of them are telling me to break out of my comfort zone and face the world again. To create and write and share and just talk, really. Ugh, and it’s probably going to be awkward and it’s going to take time and energy and, and, and. But I’m here now, living this one precious and beautiful life. And hell, even if I’m doing this to just make myself feel seen and heard, then so what? I’m ready to be seen again. I’m ready to be heard. I’m ready for success. I’m ready for failure. I’m ready to live. But, most of all, I’m ready to leave this shell.
Special thanks to Colleen for encouraging this post – please get in touch with her if you need some direction, love and healing in your life – follow her on Facebook and Instagram and let the magic begin!